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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

How I Plan To Put Fear In My Opponents In 2013

As everyone starts to prepare for the 2013 season and deciding how, what, they will change/keep to improve their performances, I have selected 5 ways to not only make myself faster and look far cooler, but also to intimidate my fellow racers as well. I now give to you my 5 intimidation factors of 2013.

5. Giant Headphones
We all saw olympian swimmers walk onto the pool deck before every event with those HUGE headphones on this summer. No one has any idea of what was blasting in their ears (if anything at all), but one fact was constant: it looked intimidating. I will be sporting this look as well in 2013. From the moment I walk into transition in the morning until I get into my wetsuit. I will compliment this with a focused stare and show no looks on my face. Intimidation factor is directly correlated to size of headphones.

4. German Accent
I will be listen to all Rosetta Stone German cd's to hone my german accent skills. Anyone in triathlon knows that the germans are uber bikers. It is always a bit intimidating when you met a german at a race because you know they can bike! Sebastian Kienle is a prime example of heavy accent and uber-fast biker correlation. The thicker the accent the faster you are thought to be on the bike!

He sounds fast
He is fast!

3. Camera Entourage
Remember when that guy from cycling tried out triathlon this past year? Remember the media frenzy that followed him around all morning in transition along with his entourage? I will now be bringing my own camera entourage, (they may or may not have functioning cameras) to bring the intimidation factor to a whole new level. These camera man may or may not be professional media personnel, or maybe just random people that I pick off the street on my way to the race and have them use their phones as cameras. Intimidation factor will be factored by the size of the media crowd and number of camera's.

2. Ray Lewis
Anyone who watches football knows this man can give one heck of a pre-game speech. Add to that fact he is about 6'5", 275 lbs and may or may not have killed a man, he is downright scary. So I will be bringing him along to give me a pre-race speech on the shore before every race. He may or may not also be seen during the race yelling splits out to me.

Examples of Ray Lewis's Speeches
Pissed Off For Greatness
Your gonna get knocked out!
Mic'd Up!

1. Braveheart Face Paint
What else do I need to say? Designed to instill fear in the opponents!